Chapter 1 - Freddy McDaniel

In the final draft, Freddy is a broken man. However, I didn't set out to write about a broken man. I wanted to write about someone who didn't know who they were because their identity was locked in their idolization of another.
Freddy (aka, "Shirt") rose out of the ashes of my grandfather's death. For my entire life, I had looked at Daddy Gayle as my mentor, my example of who and what a man should be. He fought behind German lines in WWII... Liberated concentration camps... Fought in Korea... Taught in Kentucky when they instituted bussing...
And a lot of other things.
When in the presence of Daddy Gayle, I always felt humbled. And when he passed away, though I was well into my 30's, a part of me felt lost. Who would I look up to now? Who would I ask for advice from now? He died in a nursing home, at the ripe old age of 90 with his body failing... How could this happen to this man of such greatness? Doesn't he deserve better?
When I last saw him alive, I couldn't help but think, would it be better for him to go a little sooner and with a little more dignity? It's the kind of regret that pollutes everything, because there is no right answer. In the end, I didn't act on it, and I know that I was right not to do so. But still, a part of me will always wonder if I should have helped him out. Did I owe him that?
All of these thoughts rose out of me like a stench when I sat down to figure out who Freddy was and how he would deal with his own tragic idolization of his brother, Kyle. In general, I'm not emotional when I write, but I let a few tears go when discovering Freddy because I was also re-discovering the little boy inside me that went camping and fishing with his grandfather... who sat by the river and heard so many stories about people and places... who learned to appreciate life from a man who bragged about having once held a job with a life expectancy of 40 seconds...
For anyone who has felt lost... For anyone who has felt in awe of someone else...
For anyone who has felt the weight of a horrible decision for which there was no clear right answer... I introduce you to Freddy McDaniel.
-JJ McMoon
2/9/10
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